OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
