you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
