if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
