I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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