She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
how does that bad decision feel?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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