and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
