I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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