Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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