I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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