i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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