If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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