u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize