I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
No subtext here. People are naked.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
