Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
