it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
