Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
