I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
