Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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