My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
