do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
tell me about the fingering
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