I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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