Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
