I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
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