There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
