The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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