I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
