I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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