onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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