the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
