make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
