what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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