i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
