Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize