I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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