Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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