Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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