12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
In America we eat man semen.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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