an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
