do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
