I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
