I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
