I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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