advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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