We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
