I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
