my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
