I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
