So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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