My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
