I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
