I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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