Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize