I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
