i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
