i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize