He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
