Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
