I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
