what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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